I, for One, Welcome Our New Republican Overlords*

I’m beginning to think that all of us who voted for Kerry just have a bad attitude. Maybe they’re right – we are “nattering nabobs of negativity”**. Well, I’m going to change my tune, here are things I’m looking forward to from another 4 years of our beloved President:

  1. By cleverly melding the Bible with the U.S. Constitution, civics classes & Sunday school can be integrated, saving time for teaching more important subjects like “Creationism Science” and “A Preschooler’s Guide to Modern Urban and Desert Combat.”
  2. Admit it, having Iraq and Iran side by side on the map was really confusing. (Hell, til about say 1991, you couldn’t remember which was which anyway.) In 4 years or so, no problem: Say “Hello” to Haliburtistan!
  3. Sure, it will probably disrupt our global food supply leading to starvation & wars, and yeah, it will definitely result in even more mass extinctions, but global warming could bring us a warmer, more tropical San Francisco! (& probably more hurricanes bashing %$^&*ing Florida)
  4. An evil, toothless, atrophying regime in Iraq was boring. A ineffective puppet regime nominally presiding over a bloody, terrorist-friendly, fiscal-nightmare quagmire is a PARTY!
  5. After the first four years, there were a few rich people who weren’t better off and a few poor folks who didn’t get the shaft. We’ll get all that straightened out.
  6. Geography, once a national weakness of ours, gets really simple when you divide the world into “Us” and “Them” & with four more years, probably everybody will be “Them.” Think of the savings in map colors!
  7. OK – can any of you actually remember (no looking it up!) each amendment to the Constitution that make up the Bill of Rights? The good news is that you won’t have to anymore!
  8. Well maybe we can’t get around to getting health care for all Americans, or reducing our dependence on foreign oil, or even keeping kids from having too much arsenic or mercury in their water, but damn skippy if we aren’t going to keep all those homos from getting married! Hallelujah!
  9. Roe. v. Wade was what? 1973? 31 years? Can you say: STALE! Hello?! Cluephone!
  10. Being a newly converted Bush supporter, I can stop wasting time on the dumb things I used to do like: THINKING!

Did I miss any? Send ’em in!

*The “I, for One, Welcome Our New **** Overlords” meme is from the Simpsons!
**Evidently this was a Spiro Agnew quote. I coulda sworn I heard it from Reagan though…..

6 thoughts on “I, for One, Welcome Our New Republican Overlords*

  1. I for one am glad that tax time won’t be so confusing anymore. Hell, no more need for Turbo Tax – I can just start forwarding my pay checks to the feds. Soooo much easier.

  2. The quote you are looking for is “nattering nabobs of negativity.” Although Spiro Agnew uttered the line, it was written for him by his young speechwriter, William Safire.

    Fact Boy

  3. 1 – freedoms of speach, assembly, religion, redress of grievances,
    2 – right to bear arms
    3 – right not to have soldiers quartered in your home
    4 – unreasonable search and seizure
    5 – incriminating yourself
    6 – double jeopardy, open trials, etc.
    7 – jury trials for civil matters
    8 – cruel and unusual punishment
    9 – privacy and other rights not specifically granted to the state
    10 – states rights

    How’d I do?

  4. #11. Just so you don’t have to think about the world four years from now, or ten, or twenty, the dynasty lives on, guaranteeing stability. Think Jeb, Neil, Jenna, Barbara…..

  5. Well, with Antonio Gonzalez as AG we can also just agree that Roe v. Wade is “quaint”. It’s such a good word, too. It implies that the Geneva Convention is sort of like Prince Edward Island. Next up on the quaint list, the Bill of Rights!

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